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Entry tags:
Unpopular opinions: Mental health and hot takes
TW: mental health, suicidal ideation
There have been a lot of suicides in the news lately, which means that everyone and their dog has come out with smug hot takes about how it’s important to check on your friends, and that they do this all the time. As you can imagine, this has put me in a bit of a rage, so let me talk about how this attitude is actively harmful.
“But I do care about my friends! and I do check on them! Why, just last week, I texted X and they said they were fine!”
Golly gosh, Margaret, that was so magnanimous of you. The problem is, X wasn’t able to write “I’m so depressed all the time and would love someone to talk to but I don’t want to be a burden or clingy” so they just wrote, “I’m fine, thanks, you?”
And maybe you texted X, but you didn’t text Y. And Y saw your self-congratulatory post about how you’ve checked in on everyone you care about about, and thought, “well, there we have it. I’m not their friend, they don’t care about me, and this entire post is sub-tweeting/sub-posting at me to go away.”
Meanwhile, Z has seen your post and - although you didn’t message them - Z has gathered up all the scraps of their courage and dropped you a note, on the assumption that you are, in fact, willing to make time for your friends. But you’re so busy posting about how great you are, you forget to actually message them back. So now they’re looking at your post, and looking at their unanswered message, and feeling awful.
And then we get to A, who has been struggling, maybe, and really just needs to see some unconditional love on their feed in some form or another. Kittens, or puppies, or some hugs. A DM, or a response to a tweet, or something - anything - to distract from where seeing ‘suicide’ in headlines has dragged their thoughts to. But instead they get to have your hot take about how someone’s suicide is a great opportunity to blow your own trumpet. No, don’t worry, I’m sure they’re fine.
The thing is, we’re all shit. Fundamentally, humans are selfish, brutish, nasty creatures. Did you phone your family today? Don’t fucking lie to me. No you didn’t. You thought about it, maybe made a mental note to pick up the phone on Sunday. But it’s Friday, most people are at work, others have stuff on, everyone is busy. We can’t get our act together to phone our mothers, let alone old friend Sally Anne who may or may not have swallowed the contents of her medicine cabinet.
That is human. It’s natural. It’s fine. Acknowledge your shittiness! Embrace it! “Dear friends, I probably won’t call you because I’m a bit rubbish. This isn’t a reflection on you. Don’t take this as a prompt to do anything foolish. I promise I will try to be less useless.” That sort of message may not be terribly comforting, but at least it doesn’t make people feel worse because you are a rubbish friend. It’s ok to be shit! We’re all shit! I just told my mother I couldn’t have dinner with her tomorrow because I’m tired and I’ll just want to go home from the airport! My mother, who is in mourning! I’m not judging your shittiness, I have no leg to stand on. But please don’t pass on the blame for your shittiness to other people who are maybe feeling pretty worthless right now.
Also. I appreciate that everyone wants to come out and talk about how Suicide Is Bad and There Are Always Options, but flooding everyone’s timeline with endless reminders often achieves the opposite of what was intended. I’m not the only person who deletes Twitter from their phone for the week the moment there is a suicide. It’s not the news reporting, it’s the endless platitudes - often untagged - which floods every corner of social media. If someone wasn’t feeling suicidal before, a few days of this 24/7 might just get them there.
Suicide prevention is not performative speech. Saying how great you are doesn’t achieve anything but make you feel smug & others worse. If you want to do something, maybe pick up the phone to someone you’re worried about, or catch up on your late replies. Might do a smidgen more good.
There have been a lot of suicides in the news lately, which means that everyone and their dog has come out with smug hot takes about how it’s important to check on your friends, and that they do this all the time. As you can imagine, this has put me in a bit of a rage, so let me talk about how this attitude is actively harmful.
“But I do care about my friends! and I do check on them! Why, just last week, I texted X and they said they were fine!”
Golly gosh, Margaret, that was so magnanimous of you. The problem is, X wasn’t able to write “I’m so depressed all the time and would love someone to talk to but I don’t want to be a burden or clingy” so they just wrote, “I’m fine, thanks, you?”
And maybe you texted X, but you didn’t text Y. And Y saw your self-congratulatory post about how you’ve checked in on everyone you care about about, and thought, “well, there we have it. I’m not their friend, they don’t care about me, and this entire post is sub-tweeting/sub-posting at me to go away.”
Meanwhile, Z has seen your post and - although you didn’t message them - Z has gathered up all the scraps of their courage and dropped you a note, on the assumption that you are, in fact, willing to make time for your friends. But you’re so busy posting about how great you are, you forget to actually message them back. So now they’re looking at your post, and looking at their unanswered message, and feeling awful.
And then we get to A, who has been struggling, maybe, and really just needs to see some unconditional love on their feed in some form or another. Kittens, or puppies, or some hugs. A DM, or a response to a tweet, or something - anything - to distract from where seeing ‘suicide’ in headlines has dragged their thoughts to. But instead they get to have your hot take about how someone’s suicide is a great opportunity to blow your own trumpet. No, don’t worry, I’m sure they’re fine.
The thing is, we’re all shit. Fundamentally, humans are selfish, brutish, nasty creatures. Did you phone your family today? Don’t fucking lie to me. No you didn’t. You thought about it, maybe made a mental note to pick up the phone on Sunday. But it’s Friday, most people are at work, others have stuff on, everyone is busy. We can’t get our act together to phone our mothers, let alone old friend Sally Anne who may or may not have swallowed the contents of her medicine cabinet.
That is human. It’s natural. It’s fine. Acknowledge your shittiness! Embrace it! “Dear friends, I probably won’t call you because I’m a bit rubbish. This isn’t a reflection on you. Don’t take this as a prompt to do anything foolish. I promise I will try to be less useless.” That sort of message may not be terribly comforting, but at least it doesn’t make people feel worse because you are a rubbish friend. It’s ok to be shit! We’re all shit! I just told my mother I couldn’t have dinner with her tomorrow because I’m tired and I’ll just want to go home from the airport! My mother, who is in mourning! I’m not judging your shittiness, I have no leg to stand on. But please don’t pass on the blame for your shittiness to other people who are maybe feeling pretty worthless right now.
Also. I appreciate that everyone wants to come out and talk about how Suicide Is Bad and There Are Always Options, but flooding everyone’s timeline with endless reminders often achieves the opposite of what was intended. I’m not the only person who deletes Twitter from their phone for the week the moment there is a suicide. It’s not the news reporting, it’s the endless platitudes - often untagged - which floods every corner of social media. If someone wasn’t feeling suicidal before, a few days of this 24/7 might just get them there.
Suicide prevention is not performative speech. Saying how great you are doesn’t achieve anything but make you feel smug & others worse. If you want to do something, maybe pick up the phone to someone you’re worried about, or catch up on your late replies. Might do a smidgen more good.