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2 Jul 2010 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kangeikoI went to see Women Beware Women at the National last night with athena25. It was fabulous, a lovely romp of a revenge tragedy. For those unfamiliar with it, a synopsis of the staging is below.
Women beware women
Leantio: Hello audience! I am annoying. I have brought a beautiful young bride home to meet my mother! My bride is a gentlewoman, and I appear to be a mere investment banker. There is nothing that can go wrong here - but just to be safe, I'll make my mother lock up my lovely wife, Bianca.
Mother: I am not impressed at all.
Bianca: why are you not staying at home to sleep with me? What is this thing you call 'work'?
Meanwhile, in a nearby castle:
Father: my daughter Isabella is 16 now an nearly an old maid. She shall marry your ward!
Guardian: my ward is an idiot. OK.
Livia: as her aunt, I must speak up, although you're an idiot and it won't do any good. Also, I have based my performance on Sian Phillips, having taken the 'Livia' thing seriously.
Father: let her see him!
Isabella is brought on. She looks like the red-headed girl in True Blood.
The ward comes on. He is the cross-dressing Frenchman in Elizabeth.
Ward: oh, I am ever so camp. I shagged 'er, though, didn't I, Sordido?
Sordido: *is dubious*
Isabella: *is unimpressed*
Uncle: *consoles Isabella* oh woe! I wish to console her in a more carnal manner, but incest is wrong!
Isabella: *is vaguely interested, but, no incest=wrong*
Uncle: oh dearest sister Livia! If only!
Livia: say no more, dearest brother. I have no qualms about tempting my niece into incest.
Livia: btw, did I ever tell you how my brother isn't your father at all?
Isabella: for realz??? *snogs uncle*
Uncle: *is confused, but goes with it*
Isabella: btw I'm marrying the ward because he's an idiot and I'll be able to shag you in safety.
Meanwhile, bianca got bored and - shock! - wandered out without a mask on, and was seen by the duke. Oh noes!!!
Guardian: how will we manage this?
Livia: I shall invite the mother over, then tempt Bianca out. Then I shall distract the old woman with chess - nothing is as distracting as chess - whilst you introduce her to the duke.
This goes according to plan, except for the part where the duke rapes bianca.
Bianca: I am ruined! I shall have my revenge by turning into a strumpet!
Audience: *is dubious* maybe it's a Jacobean thing.
Livia: why is she so angry? One would think she has been outraged! Oh, wait...
Leantio: wife, I'm home!
Bianca: ah, yes, about this whole 'sex' thing, let's not do that any more. We've been married a whole fortnight.
Messanger: the duke summons bianca to the castle.
Leantio: I shall lock her in the cellar!
Bianca: you're an idiot. And I'm going to the castle.
Mother: me too!
Leantio: me three, apparently!
End of the first half! And athena25 departs.
Second half
There is a banquet!
Bianca: btw I'm with the duke now. For revenge purposes.
Leantio: I am angry. I'll just stand here and be bribed into silence.
Isabella and uncle do a sexy dance.
Isabella and ward do a silly dance.
Livia takes leave of her senses and throws herself at Leantio.
Leantio: I sense an opportunity for revenge!
Meanwhile, the ward is deciding whether or not to marry Isabella.
Ward: what about her teeth, I need to check her teeth. Also her bush. Can you pull her dress up?
Sordido: I dunno. That might be difficult.
Isabella: oh for god's sake. *stands over ward, legs open, while he's lying on the ground.* well?
Audience is titilated.
Ward: she's perfect!
Audience: *can't. Stop. Laughing.*
Isabella: I might be sick. Cometo think of it, I have been throwing up a lot lately...
Meanwhile, Leantio is still sore. He goes to visit his wife.
Leantio: oh, you strumpet! I hate you so!
Bianca: are you talking to me?
Leantio: I have another love now! See, one of her love letters!
Bianca: ok, you're really annoying. I shall have to take revenge on you too!
Bianca shows the letter to the duke.
Duke: I sense an opportunity... Summon the uncle!
Uncle: yes?
Duke: see that guy over there, that Leantio? He shagged your sister.
Uncle: WHAT?! *kills Leantio*
Livia: AAAAAAARGH!!!!
Everyone looks awkward.
Livia: I don't know why you're being so sanctimonious, you're shagging your niece!
Isabella: WHAT??
Livia: I totes lied, he IS your uncle.
Isabella: *is grossed out*
Uncle: I'm ok with the incest.
Isabella: I'm not! Also, pregnant!!!!!!!!!!
Uncle: oh.
Livia: revenge! Revenge shall be mine! I am no long sian phillips, but alan rickman! I shall have isabella's head! For revenge! Mwahaha!
Isabella: I shall have livia's head! For revenge! Mwahaha!
Audience: I sense this isn't going to end well...
Meanwhile, the duke and his brother have a heart to heart.
Brother, who is also a cardinal: how dare you sleep with strumpets!
Duke: you're right! I shan't sleep with strumpets any more.
Cardinal is mollified.
Duke, under his breath: because I shall marry her.
The wedding -
Duke: I shall now dress as Rayl Julia doing M Bison.
Bianca: and I shall resemble a Disney princess!
Cardinal: when I said don't sleep with strumpets, THIS ISNT WHAT I MEANT!!
Bianca: *pwns Cardinal with speech on charity and redeemed sinners*
Cardinal: whatev.
Duke: let's party!
Party ensues! The stage revolves rapidly. The guardian gathers his servants near, and hands out drugs.
Guardian: make sure everyone gets high!
Servants are dressed in black, with masks, and wings. They look eerily like the flying monkeys from Return to Oz. With drugs.
Livia makes her servant dress up as her, and then dresses up as a man. Everyone else makes much less of an effort on their costume.
Stage: revolves
Bianca: I hate that cardinal. I shall put poison in this cup.
Audience: uh oh...
Stage: revolves
Uncle: I think I shall have these drugs. And then hallucinate the dead Leantio as a zombie.
Stage: revolves
Isabella: die, witch, die! *kills faux!Livia*
Stage: revolves
Uncle: oh noes, livia! Oh wait, what?
Stage: revolves
Guardian: *drugs Isabella and has his servants drag her off by the hair*
Stage: revolves
Uncle: *rescues Isabella*
Stage: revolves
Audience: THIS STAGE REVOLVING THIS MAY MAKE THE DREAM SEQUENCES BETTER, BUT IT IS ALSO NAUSEA-INDUCING.
Stage: revolves
Audience: aaaaaaargh!
Uncle: die, ward, die! *stabs*
Guardian: nooooo! *strangles Isabella*
Livia: *attacks*
Uncle: *kills Livia*
Isabella: oh woes, I am dead!
Uncle: aaaargh! My sister! My niece! My girlfriend! My two favourite people! *kills himself on Sordido's sword*
Audience: don't reall blame him.
Duke: gosh, isn't this shocking. *drinks poison by accident*
Bianca: noooooo! I can't figure out who I'm revenging! *drinks poison*
Cardinal: I TOLD YOU!!!!!
FIN!!
Women beware women
Leantio: Hello audience! I am annoying. I have brought a beautiful young bride home to meet my mother! My bride is a gentlewoman, and I appear to be a mere investment banker. There is nothing that can go wrong here - but just to be safe, I'll make my mother lock up my lovely wife, Bianca.
Mother: I am not impressed at all.
Bianca: why are you not staying at home to sleep with me? What is this thing you call 'work'?
Meanwhile, in a nearby castle:
Father: my daughter Isabella is 16 now an nearly an old maid. She shall marry your ward!
Guardian: my ward is an idiot. OK.
Livia: as her aunt, I must speak up, although you're an idiot and it won't do any good. Also, I have based my performance on Sian Phillips, having taken the 'Livia' thing seriously.
Father: let her see him!
Isabella is brought on. She looks like the red-headed girl in True Blood.
The ward comes on. He is the cross-dressing Frenchman in Elizabeth.
Ward: oh, I am ever so camp. I shagged 'er, though, didn't I, Sordido?
Sordido: *is dubious*
Isabella: *is unimpressed*
Uncle: *consoles Isabella* oh woe! I wish to console her in a more carnal manner, but incest is wrong!
Isabella: *is vaguely interested, but, no incest=wrong*
Uncle: oh dearest sister Livia! If only!
Livia: say no more, dearest brother. I have no qualms about tempting my niece into incest.
Livia: btw, did I ever tell you how my brother isn't your father at all?
Isabella: for realz??? *snogs uncle*
Uncle: *is confused, but goes with it*
Isabella: btw I'm marrying the ward because he's an idiot and I'll be able to shag you in safety.
Meanwhile, bianca got bored and - shock! - wandered out without a mask on, and was seen by the duke. Oh noes!!!
Guardian: how will we manage this?
Livia: I shall invite the mother over, then tempt Bianca out. Then I shall distract the old woman with chess - nothing is as distracting as chess - whilst you introduce her to the duke.
This goes according to plan, except for the part where the duke rapes bianca.
Bianca: I am ruined! I shall have my revenge by turning into a strumpet!
Audience: *is dubious* maybe it's a Jacobean thing.
Livia: why is she so angry? One would think she has been outraged! Oh, wait...
Leantio: wife, I'm home!
Bianca: ah, yes, about this whole 'sex' thing, let's not do that any more. We've been married a whole fortnight.
Messanger: the duke summons bianca to the castle.
Leantio: I shall lock her in the cellar!
Bianca: you're an idiot. And I'm going to the castle.
Mother: me too!
Leantio: me three, apparently!
End of the first half! And athena25 departs.
Second half
There is a banquet!
Bianca: btw I'm with the duke now. For revenge purposes.
Leantio: I am angry. I'll just stand here and be bribed into silence.
Isabella and uncle do a sexy dance.
Isabella and ward do a silly dance.
Livia takes leave of her senses and throws herself at Leantio.
Leantio: I sense an opportunity for revenge!
Meanwhile, the ward is deciding whether or not to marry Isabella.
Ward: what about her teeth, I need to check her teeth. Also her bush. Can you pull her dress up?
Sordido: I dunno. That might be difficult.
Isabella: oh for god's sake. *stands over ward, legs open, while he's lying on the ground.* well?
Audience is titilated.
Ward: she's perfect!
Audience: *can't. Stop. Laughing.*
Isabella: I might be sick. Cometo think of it, I have been throwing up a lot lately...
Meanwhile, Leantio is still sore. He goes to visit his wife.
Leantio: oh, you strumpet! I hate you so!
Bianca: are you talking to me?
Leantio: I have another love now! See, one of her love letters!
Bianca: ok, you're really annoying. I shall have to take revenge on you too!
Bianca shows the letter to the duke.
Duke: I sense an opportunity... Summon the uncle!
Uncle: yes?
Duke: see that guy over there, that Leantio? He shagged your sister.
Uncle: WHAT?! *kills Leantio*
Livia: AAAAAAARGH!!!!
Everyone looks awkward.
Livia: I don't know why you're being so sanctimonious, you're shagging your niece!
Isabella: WHAT??
Livia: I totes lied, he IS your uncle.
Isabella: *is grossed out*
Uncle: I'm ok with the incest.
Isabella: I'm not! Also, pregnant!!!!!!!!!!
Uncle: oh.
Livia: revenge! Revenge shall be mine! I am no long sian phillips, but alan rickman! I shall have isabella's head! For revenge! Mwahaha!
Isabella: I shall have livia's head! For revenge! Mwahaha!
Audience: I sense this isn't going to end well...
Meanwhile, the duke and his brother have a heart to heart.
Brother, who is also a cardinal: how dare you sleep with strumpets!
Duke: you're right! I shan't sleep with strumpets any more.
Cardinal is mollified.
Duke, under his breath: because I shall marry her.
The wedding -
Duke: I shall now dress as Rayl Julia doing M Bison.
Bianca: and I shall resemble a Disney princess!
Cardinal: when I said don't sleep with strumpets, THIS ISNT WHAT I MEANT!!
Bianca: *pwns Cardinal with speech on charity and redeemed sinners*
Cardinal: whatev.
Duke: let's party!
Party ensues! The stage revolves rapidly. The guardian gathers his servants near, and hands out drugs.
Guardian: make sure everyone gets high!
Servants are dressed in black, with masks, and wings. They look eerily like the flying monkeys from Return to Oz. With drugs.
Livia makes her servant dress up as her, and then dresses up as a man. Everyone else makes much less of an effort on their costume.
Stage: revolves
Bianca: I hate that cardinal. I shall put poison in this cup.
Audience: uh oh...
Stage: revolves
Uncle: I think I shall have these drugs. And then hallucinate the dead Leantio as a zombie.
Stage: revolves
Isabella: die, witch, die! *kills faux!Livia*
Stage: revolves
Uncle: oh noes, livia! Oh wait, what?
Stage: revolves
Guardian: *drugs Isabella and has his servants drag her off by the hair*
Stage: revolves
Uncle: *rescues Isabella*
Stage: revolves
Audience: THIS STAGE REVOLVING THIS MAY MAKE THE DREAM SEQUENCES BETTER, BUT IT IS ALSO NAUSEA-INDUCING.
Stage: revolves
Audience: aaaaaaargh!
Uncle: die, ward, die! *stabs*
Guardian: nooooo! *strangles Isabella*
Livia: *attacks*
Uncle: *kills Livia*
Isabella: oh woes, I am dead!
Uncle: aaaargh! My sister! My niece! My girlfriend! My two favourite people! *kills himself on Sordido's sword*
Audience: don't reall blame him.
Duke: gosh, isn't this shocking. *drinks poison by accident*
Bianca: noooooo! I can't figure out who I'm revenging! *drinks poison*
Cardinal: I TOLD YOU!!!!!
FIN!!