Snowflake Challenge: Day 1

[kangeiko]

Day 1

In your own space, talk about your Happy Place—the things that give you joy, calms you or keeps you sane. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

This is the first year I'm doing this, and I hope I can do the entire challenge, it's useful self-reflection.

My Happy Place is... not quite real anymore. I used to do all my writing in a specific place - the laptop balanced on the sofa arm of my old flat, the cafe near where I used to live - but since moving, I haven't quite settled into a specific geographic location. But writing is still my happy place. I used writing as my art therapy for half of 2018, and I think it really helped. It helped me to think through all the things that I couldn't find the headspace for, and to express them in a way which was positive and beneficial. I stopped writing in the summer and I think my mental health really suffered as a result.

But that's the way it goes sometimes - you need that little bit of headspace to give you the freedom to do the thing that grounds you. I was incredibly stressed, wrung out and exhausted throughout 2018. It seemed easier at times to relinquish that little guarded space I'd carved out for myself. It was so hard to fight for it, and I would get caught up in worrying about responses (the curse of writing in a large fandom, which was also new to me) and it became a circular argument and so I stopped fighting for it. I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I'd carried on fighting for that small indulge for a little bit longer. Looking back on some of the stuff I wrote and never posted, I'm slightly horrified by how wounded it is. It's detailed, and long, and nothing I could ever show anyone because it's someone stick a knife in me and letting all the pain pour out on to the page. But having it written down, having it exist, is a blessing. It means it's no longer festering inside me. My Happy Place is, in many respects, where I bury my dead. It doesn't ask questions. It doesn't (mostly) judge. It lets me have my sanity back.

yuletide is an important mental re-set for me. It's exhausting, and stressful, and every year I swear it's the last year. But every year I am ground down by RL by the time I reach autumn and I need to promise myself the luxury of writing, even if it's just over the Christmas period. It's not the same experience it was a decade ago (or longer, come to think of it), when I gleefully wrote 7-8 fics without breaking a sweat. Some years I've had to default and only write treats; others I've only managed my main assignment. But for over 12 years it's the time when I write; when I can lock myself away and re-commit to having some of that headspace back.

I'm going to do better in 2019. I'll pick up my WIPs again. I'll sign up to more fests during the year. I'll hold myself accountable for carving out this time and making space for my Happy Place. 2019 will be better.

Comments

[sperrywink]

I really hope 2019 will be better for you. And how true about writing being an outlet and a way to turn pain into something beautiful. I hope that comes back to you and you can get your sanity back.

[kangeiko]

Thank you, I hope so as well!

[liz_mo]

Hugs! Letting it all out, even if no one ever reads it, is important! Hope 2019 will give you a better headspace!

[kangeiko]

Thank you! *hugs back*

[marginaliana]

I really hope 2019 will be a better year for you. And yeah, the luxury of writing is something that I think it's important to make time for. I think I need to focus on that more myself, having gotten caught up in other things recently.

*hugs*

[kangeiko]

Thank you! Yeah, it's one of those things which requires some clear headspace, but if you don't do it, it's harder and harder to get that clear headspace. Self-reinforcing.

[wyvernchick]

I hope 2019 is kinder to you and you find that happy place, not just when you need to, but when you want to.

I'm going to have a go at the Snowflake Challenge too. While I've been OK at writing to deadlines, I've not done much of a job of writing outside of fiction, especially without a specific challenge to meet. It's going to be interesting, I think.

[kangeiko]

Thank you! Yeah, I've been pretty bad about that myself, I'm hoping that this challenge will get me back into the habit of writing long-form rather than just tweeting.

[silveradept]

Cheering you on for 2019.

[kangeiko]

Thank you!