![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kangeikoTitle: Polyamorous Love-Knot Within; Cleaner Required
Fandom: Askewniverse (follows on from Clerks II)
Characters: Becky, Randal and Dante.
Summary: "Becs, I love you, but we're not fucking for your amusement," Dante said, and ruffled her hair.
Rating: NC-17 for m/m sex, m/f sex, and m/f/m sex and all variations therein. Also, swearing. Lotsa swearing. You've seen Kevin Smith's movies, yeah?
Part I
Part II
Part III
*
She doesn't get a baby shower, and maybe she should be thankful for that. Who knows what the two layabouts at home would cook up with a theme to work to? So, no baby shower. What she does get is a big fucking box dumped on their doorstep, with illegible writing on the label. Huh.
"Dante?"
Bleary-eyed, he squatted next to the box and stared at the label. "Huh," he said. "It's from Jay and Silent Bob."
"What, they've started home deliveries? - Randal! Get your lazy ass down here!"
But Dante was shaking his head. "It's not for Randal. It's for you - or, well, for the baby."
What. The. Fuck.
She ripped the box open, not even bothering to bring it inside. Randal emerged from the stairs, wrapped in a terry-cloth robe and blinking away sleep. "It is an inhuman hour to be awake," he muttered. "What is that?"
She was staring at the picture beneath the bright wrapping paper. It was a baby stroller.
*
Really, she could see the dealers any time she wanted - they were back where they felt most at home, the stretch of paint between the Quick Stop and RST. Randal and Dante were dealing with the post-school crush of schoolkids, and it looked like Jay was busy too, holding court in that weird, ghetto-operatic way he had. She hid a smile as he gestured expansively and producing a little baggie from seemingly nowhere.
"Hey." The schoolkids pocketing the baggie took one look at her distended stomach and vamoosed.
"Damn that shit, Becky, nothing scares a pre-pube off faster than a woman's hiney being outta commission." Jay rubbed his jaw and tugged his cap on a little tighter.
She crossed her arms across her breasts. The fucking things had inflated to the size of what felt like beachballs, and Jay wasn't making any secret of ogling them. Silent Bob, she noticed, managed a cursory eye-roll at Jay's lechery, but was sneaking secret looks all the same. Boys. "It looked like you'd finished with them," she said pointedly.
"Yeah, well, I had, but this tubby mothafucka wanted to score some dick - he's such a fucking fag, you wouldn't fucking believe it, nootch." Silent Bob elbowed him. "What the fuck is it, I'm being polite and shit, just like you said. I ain't even touched her titties!"
"Thanks for the stroller," Becky said, and smiled.
Jay shrugged a little. "Hey, no problem, babies weigh a fucking ton. Carting Evie around was a fucking nightmare and I ain't getting saddled with that again, right Silent Bob?" Silent Bob nodded sagely.
Who the fuck is Evie, Becky thought. "Well, ok, um, thanks," she said again, but Jay was already off, apparently delighted to share the nightmare of gift shopping with someone other than Silent Bob.
"Silent Bob, here, he wanted to get you a tittie pump, 'cause of you going back to work and stuff; but I said to him - look, Dante and Randal might both be fucking fags, man, but there ain't no fag out there who'd turn down them fine titties, milk an' all, she ain't gonna have no problems there -" Silent Bob shrugged, conceding the point, "and they grow out of those fucking newborn clothes so fucking quickly you would not believe it! I mean, Evie was like three months old -" Silent Bob held up five fingers, "okay, yeah, maybe it was five months old; shit, I don't know, all I know is she'd already grown out of four sets of baby clothes. So I reckon you should just keep the kid naked until it starts walking and shit; then you'll have to take it out," and he prodded her shoulder sharply with a bony finger, "'cause they won't take to loud noises otherwise, and you'll end up with a sissy baby." Silent Bob made a conciliatory gesture, indicating either maternal love or enormous breasts; she wasn't too sure. "Oh, yeah, well, that's okay in Evie, she's a girl and she's been Chosen and shit, so it's like, super-humanity or some such fucking thing." He frowned a little, then shook his head and concluded, "but I don't think that you should do the same with your baby, 'cause you're just having a normal human thing."
Becky blinked. "OK," she said. "Well, I'm gonna -" and she gestured towards the Quick Stop door.
Jay waved her away, already lost in a world of his own as Silent Bob made a 'rabbit ears' gesture. Or possibly horns. It might have been horns. "Oh, shit, Bob, that was a good one - the look on that fucking Metatron's face when those fucking spasticated homos showed up again, like they were her fucking guardian angels or something!"
OK, Becky thought, and hurried inside the Quick Stop. There were several things wrong with that conversation, the weirdest one being - no contest - the thought of Jay and Silent Bob in a MotherCare.
*
"What did they say?" Randal asked when she came in. He was leaning over the Quick Stop counter, porno mag dangling from his fingers, gum snapping.
She did a quick double take. "I thought you'd be at RST. Where's Dante?"
He hooked a finger at the back of the store. "Your lover-boy's jerking off in the toilet, and Elias is covering for me." He showed her the mag. "I got hermaphroditic porn," he said helpfully. "This chick, right here," he pointed, "is a particular favourite of mine, and I figured that I should share the love."
She tipped her head to the side and inspected the chick's dick. "It's a bit wide," she said doubtfully.
Randal raised an eyebrow. "Do not tell me that you've ever kicked a man out of your bed for excessive girth, because I do not believe you."
She punched his arm lightly. "No, you dickweed - it would be fine on a guy, but on a chick it looks a little weird on. It's like the size of her wrist - how can she walk?"
"She waddles," Randal said, after some thought. She opened her mouth to respond, but he was quicker. "Judge not, lest you be judged."
He patted her rump comfortingly as he pulled up a stool for her to perch on.
*
Fandom: Askewniverse (follows on from Clerks II)
Characters: Becky, Randal and Dante.
Summary: "Becs, I love you, but we're not fucking for your amusement," Dante said, and ruffled her hair.
Rating: NC-17 for m/m sex, m/f sex, and m/f/m sex and all variations therein. Also, swearing. Lotsa swearing. You've seen Kevin Smith's movies, yeah?
Part I
Part II
Part III
*
She doesn't get a baby shower, and maybe she should be thankful for that. Who knows what the two layabouts at home would cook up with a theme to work to? So, no baby shower. What she does get is a big fucking box dumped on their doorstep, with illegible writing on the label. Huh.
"Dante?"
Bleary-eyed, he squatted next to the box and stared at the label. "Huh," he said. "It's from Jay and Silent Bob."
"What, they've started home deliveries? - Randal! Get your lazy ass down here!"
But Dante was shaking his head. "It's not for Randal. It's for you - or, well, for the baby."
What. The. Fuck.
She ripped the box open, not even bothering to bring it inside. Randal emerged from the stairs, wrapped in a terry-cloth robe and blinking away sleep. "It is an inhuman hour to be awake," he muttered. "What is that?"
She was staring at the picture beneath the bright wrapping paper. It was a baby stroller.
*
Really, she could see the dealers any time she wanted - they were back where they felt most at home, the stretch of paint between the Quick Stop and RST. Randal and Dante were dealing with the post-school crush of schoolkids, and it looked like Jay was busy too, holding court in that weird, ghetto-operatic way he had. She hid a smile as he gestured expansively and producing a little baggie from seemingly nowhere.
"Hey." The schoolkids pocketing the baggie took one look at her distended stomach and vamoosed.
"Damn that shit, Becky, nothing scares a pre-pube off faster than a woman's hiney being outta commission." Jay rubbed his jaw and tugged his cap on a little tighter.
She crossed her arms across her breasts. The fucking things had inflated to the size of what felt like beachballs, and Jay wasn't making any secret of ogling them. Silent Bob, she noticed, managed a cursory eye-roll at Jay's lechery, but was sneaking secret looks all the same. Boys. "It looked like you'd finished with them," she said pointedly.
"Yeah, well, I had, but this tubby mothafucka wanted to score some dick - he's such a fucking fag, you wouldn't fucking believe it, nootch." Silent Bob elbowed him. "What the fuck is it, I'm being polite and shit, just like you said. I ain't even touched her titties!"
"Thanks for the stroller," Becky said, and smiled.
Jay shrugged a little. "Hey, no problem, babies weigh a fucking ton. Carting Evie around was a fucking nightmare and I ain't getting saddled with that again, right Silent Bob?" Silent Bob nodded sagely.
Who the fuck is Evie, Becky thought. "Well, ok, um, thanks," she said again, but Jay was already off, apparently delighted to share the nightmare of gift shopping with someone other than Silent Bob.
"Silent Bob, here, he wanted to get you a tittie pump, 'cause of you going back to work and stuff; but I said to him - look, Dante and Randal might both be fucking fags, man, but there ain't no fag out there who'd turn down them fine titties, milk an' all, she ain't gonna have no problems there -" Silent Bob shrugged, conceding the point, "and they grow out of those fucking newborn clothes so fucking quickly you would not believe it! I mean, Evie was like three months old -" Silent Bob held up five fingers, "okay, yeah, maybe it was five months old; shit, I don't know, all I know is she'd already grown out of four sets of baby clothes. So I reckon you should just keep the kid naked until it starts walking and shit; then you'll have to take it out," and he prodded her shoulder sharply with a bony finger, "'cause they won't take to loud noises otherwise, and you'll end up with a sissy baby." Silent Bob made a conciliatory gesture, indicating either maternal love or enormous breasts; she wasn't too sure. "Oh, yeah, well, that's okay in Evie, she's a girl and she's been Chosen and shit, so it's like, super-humanity or some such fucking thing." He frowned a little, then shook his head and concluded, "but I don't think that you should do the same with your baby, 'cause you're just having a normal human thing."
Becky blinked. "OK," she said. "Well, I'm gonna -" and she gestured towards the Quick Stop door.
Jay waved her away, already lost in a world of his own as Silent Bob made a 'rabbit ears' gesture. Or possibly horns. It might have been horns. "Oh, shit, Bob, that was a good one - the look on that fucking Metatron's face when those fucking spasticated homos showed up again, like they were her fucking guardian angels or something!"
OK, Becky thought, and hurried inside the Quick Stop. There were several things wrong with that conversation, the weirdest one being - no contest - the thought of Jay and Silent Bob in a MotherCare.
*
"What did they say?" Randal asked when she came in. He was leaning over the Quick Stop counter, porno mag dangling from his fingers, gum snapping.
She did a quick double take. "I thought you'd be at RST. Where's Dante?"
He hooked a finger at the back of the store. "Your lover-boy's jerking off in the toilet, and Elias is covering for me." He showed her the mag. "I got hermaphroditic porn," he said helpfully. "This chick, right here," he pointed, "is a particular favourite of mine, and I figured that I should share the love."
She tipped her head to the side and inspected the chick's dick. "It's a bit wide," she said doubtfully.
Randal raised an eyebrow. "Do not tell me that you've ever kicked a man out of your bed for excessive girth, because I do not believe you."
She punched his arm lightly. "No, you dickweed - it would be fine on a guy, but on a chick it looks a little weird on. It's like the size of her wrist - how can she walk?"
"She waddles," Randal said, after some thought. She opened her mouth to respond, but he was quicker. "Judge not, lest you be judged."
He patted her rump comfortingly as he pulled up a stool for her to perch on.
*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-01-25 08:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-25 08:51 pm (UTC)Also, quick question--I feel like such a bad fan--who's Evie?
*g* I made her Bethany's daughter - and called her Eve. I know, I know... *sigh* But I figured that she'd be just the type to attempt to reclaim the name.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-25 10:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-25 10:09 pm (UTC)And - I *love* your icon!
no subject
Date: 2007-01-25 10:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-12 04:24 am (UTC)And I am so in love with this... I can't wait to see it continued! It's perfect!
And I'm having a major case of baby fever... so preggers Becky... is the bee's knees!
Friending you so I can se when you update it!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-19 03:42 pm (UTC)